This year, I'm turning 31. That makes me very happy. So much time has passed, and I feel like even if it is only my age, something in my life is moving forward. Something in my life is changing. I was never one who could abide stasis and redundance. Change is definitely more interesting.
The only problem now is: What now? What next?
Is it normal for a person to be thirty-one and still have no idea what to do with one's life? I do try to follow the rules most of the time. I try not to rebel too much. I had one successful attempt at trying to escape from convention, but that didn't last for very long. Soon enough I've had to go back to "reality." Not that there's anything wrong with convention; it has its own positive features, like stability and security. Nothing wrong with being stable and secure, is there? It's just that, I've always imagined that my life would be vastly different; that I could somehow honestly say more about it than "it is stable and secure."
I have a plan set up in front of me. This is uncommon - I've never done well with plans. I hate planning my life; it makes everything suddenly so predictable. But what else could I possibly do? I have no idea. I'm like a kid trying to find his way around a huge amusement park, wanting to ride all the rides but not knowing which one to go on first. Suddenly he realizes he is lost and all he wants is his parent's hand to guide him where he should go. All the colorful and exciting things around him aren't important anymore; he just wants someone to show him the way. I'm so confused. I wish there was someone I could ask to show me my true way.
If I could ask my 40-year-old self, or my 50-year-old self, what would they answer? Where would I be ten or twenty years from now? It might be interesting to know, but in a very strange way, I really DON'T want to know.
So, to my future self, you should know how confused I am at this point. Maybe someday, I will meet you in front of a mirror and you will just laugh. Or maybe cry, who knows? In any case, I think it's worth recalling what it was like. Gambatte kudasai.
