These Wounds

Papa had to leave when I was thirteen years old. The job promotion for which he had been waiting for fifteen years finally came… at a price. He was to move to the provinces. He could take his family with him, sure, but it was the middle of the school year and all the good schools were in Metro Manila. So he left, and the rest of us stayed. From then on, we could only see him once a month, and he stays for only a few days before leaving again. I know that many people are in the same situation as mine. Giving your family a better life nowadays equates to leaving them behind. But how terribly do I miss my father, even today, nearly thirteen years from when he first left. I’ve never gotten used to it. The meals were never complete without him at the head of the table. Coming home from wherever is never the same without scouring the house for him so we could "mano". The nights were never as peaceful as when his horrific snoring would punctuate its stillness. The only thing that mattered was that he was with us. But he couldn’t be. Most people get used to such things, I know. But I feel that in my case, its very different. Whenever he leaves, it’s like being wounded. For the next three weeks, the wounds would slowly numb and won’t feel so painful anymore. Then Papa comes home and the wounds finally start to close, heal, repair themselves. Then he leaves, and the wounds are slashed open all over again. Do this over and over and over for around thirteen years… unbearable. Sore, bleeding, festering wounds that never heal. Sometimes I wish he didn’t come home; give me a chance to get used to not having him around; give my wounds a chance to heal completely before they are torn open again.

We have reaped the benefits of this sacrifice. We have everything we need and are able to get most of what we want. But without even blinking, I would trade thirteen years of comfort and luxury to have had my father at all my birthdays, at all my graduations, and at the dinner table every single night of my life.

(posted elsewhere 6 Sep 2005)